Friday, August 23, 2013

Wanna Get Married, Man?


Normally, I would write out a few paragraphs leading up to the announcement of my ordination in Dudeism, but that wouldn't be very fitting with The Dude’s way of doing things.  So here it is: there’s a religion based on the philosophies given by Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski in the movie “The Big Lebowski". It’s called Dudeism, and I’m ordained in it. Yep, I can marry you.  In the state of Wisconsin, at least.

If you would like my services, payment is a series of White Russians, a few Credence tapes, and some smokes. Below you find what I will say during the ceremony, man.  
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My friends, we are here to participate in a wedding, or, in the parlance of our times, to witness this Dude and this Lady Friend in the process of getting hitched. Can I get another Caucasian, Gary?

Congregation replies, “Another Caucasian, Gary.”


By this act we unite __________ and __________ in dudely matrimony. What we do today is done in harmony with the laws of the state of Wisconsin and in the beautiful tradition of Dudes throughout history who, while not heroes – ‘cause what’s a hero?? – fit in with their time and place.

__________ and __________, before I lose my train of thought, I want to say that you stand before me, “His Dudeness”, or “El Duderino” (if, you know, you’re not into the whole brevity thing), having requested that I marry you both without compulsion but with joy. Do you both do this abidingly and without being uptight, man?

Dude and Lady Friend reply “Fuckin’ ay, man.”

Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man. Do any of you compeers know of any new shit that’s come to light concerning why we may not continue with this wedding?  If so, please speak up and say, “This aggression will not stand, man.” If not, let it be cool.

Compeer with an objection says, “This aggression will not stand, man!”

SHUT THE FUCK UP, DONNY!!  Let us continue. __________, if it is your desire to become the exclusive coital partner of __________, then repeat after me.

“I, __________, take you, __________, to be my Very Special Lady/Dude/what-have-you. In this moment, I promise before these compeers to not fuck a stranger in the ass, and to love and abide with you even when I’m handling your dirty undies while you’re busting my friggin’ aggets, and basically being an all-around human paraquat.”

Far out, man.  To other partner:

__________, if it is your desire to become the exclusive coital partner of __________, then repeat after me.

“I, __________, take you, __________, to be my Very Special Lady/Dude/what-have-you. In this moment I promise before these compeers to not fuck a stranger in the ass and to love and abide with you even when I’m handling your dirty undies while you’re busting my friggin’ aggets, and basically being an all-around human paraquat.”

Bob Dylan’s “Man in Me” plays while the couple kneels on a ceremonial rug that really ties the room together and drinks from a communal White Russian. 



 _________ and __________, you have shared promises and whatnot in our presence.  Do you have a token or symbol of abiding together that you wish to exchange, now that you’re privy to all the new shit?

Couple replies "Well, yeah, man."

__________, will you give your token to __________ and repeat these words:

“I give you this ring as a constant reminder of the promises we exchanged today. As you receive this ring, receive my promise to abide always and forever with you while adhering to a pretty strict drug regimen.”

__________, will you give your token to __________ and repeat these words:

“I give you this ring as a constant reminder of the promises we exchanged today. As you receive this ring, receive my promise to abide always and forever with you while adhering to a pretty strict drug regimen.”

__________ and __________, you have exchanged your promises, given and received tokens, and have pretty much taken it easy in my presence. By these acts you have become matrimonial Dudes. By the power vested in me by The Church of the Latter-Day Dude and in accordance with the laws of the state of Wisconsin, I hereby pronounce you Dude and Very Special Lady. You may seal your promise with a physical act of love, preferably a kiss. For now.

Couple kisses.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, Dude _________, and his Very Special Lady _________. So fuck it, dudes. Let's go bowling.


Everyone grabs a lane and starts the reception, as the ceremony was held at a bowling alley.

But if your foot is over the line... be sure to mark it zero,.
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