Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Rapid-Fire Wisdom

"Peanuts" by Charles M. Schulz

I’m one of those people that always seem to have people asking them for advice.  Why, you ask?  I wish I could tell you.  The truth is, I don't have definitive answer why, I only have suspicions.  Maybe I have a welcoming demeanor, an authoritative air about me… or maybe I look like Dr. Phil.  Holy hell, I hope it isn’t that last one.

Progressing through the years of taking on this pseudo-psychiatrist role of mine, I’ve gone from avoiding the type of people that seemed to give off that “will you help me?” vibe, to getting used to, and then actually enjoying the process of providing advice and guidance.  The problem that always seems to loom around though, is the fact that people aren’t always willing to ask for advice… and I never want to be “that guy” and give advice when nobody asked for it in the first place.  Such an impasse does create a bit of a gap.

With that being said, I thought it might be in good form to sit down and write down some general advice.  My hope in doing this is to help someone out there that I didn’t realize needed it. I'm sure you've already glanced below, and as you can tell it’s in the style of a list.  The reason behind that is that I wrote everything as it came to me… and my mind works in random short spurts. 

While you make your way down the line, please keep in mind that I have never claimed to be infallible.  This is all information that I've picked up over the years, either by watching others, or primarily, by learning from my own mistakes… so don’t be surprised if some of this stuff doesn't make sense to you, or doesn’t work for you.  Shit, many times I don't follow my own advice... which usually results in disastrous situations.  But that's a whole other post entirely.

Regardless, you have been warned… now on with the show.

++Revised: 2/12/2012

-Don't kid yourselves, fellas.  Personality & humor may take you a long way... but without looks, you'll never cross the finish line.

-The only thing you're going to win from a McDonalds Monopoly came is a small pack of fries and a large set of love handles.

-If you're in the shower and you suddenly can’t remember if you washed your hair, rub your head with your hand.  If your hair squeaks, you've already washed it.

-Know your limits.  If you constantly shoot beyond them, you'll constantly experience disappointment.

-Guilt trips rarely work, as they tend to annoy the requested.

-Drive as if everyone around you doesn’t know what the hell they're doing… because they usually don’t.

-One may think being a realist is more depressing than being a romantic, but in our realistic world... it's quite the contrary.

-Guys:  Trim your nose hair.

-Ladies:  If you ask a guy what he’s thinking about and he says, “nothing”, 9 out of 10 times he’s being honest and there’s zero activity goin’ on up there.

-Be nice to the person in the drive thru.  They’re already having a shitty day, and they don't need you adding to it.  Not to mention, they don’t get paid very much… so losing their job over messing with your food isn't a very big worry.

-Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

-Not everyone should have a boyfriend or girlfriend all the time, sometimes it’s much better for a person to be single.

-Never spend your time searching for a relationship and settle on someone just to have one.  Instead, you should spend time meeting people you enjoy having in your company, and if one of them turns out to be special to you, then give it a shot.

-There will always be someone else that’s smarter, funnier, tougher, prettier and better than you are. So constantly comparing yourself to others will lead to a very miserable life.

-Guys:  Using the same, tired Fight Club and Heat quotes will make you look simple.

-Girls:  Using the same, tired Marilyn Monroe quotes will make you look simple.

-Making mistakes is an important part of life that you can’t avoid, so take a damn chance once in a while.

-Let that zit fade away naturally and avoid the chance of a scar.  No matter what you do, people will notice, but most won’t mention it... they’ve been there too.

-Rage can easily be mistaken as mental clarity.

-Use moderation as a starting point.

-It’s easier to spend than to earn.  That may sound like common sense, but you’d be surprised on how many people don’t realize it.

-Common Sense is relative to intelligence.

-If you're dealt a 2 - 7 off-suit... play it.  Winning the pot on that will make the victory that much sweeter. 

-When you're really drunk, listen when you think you should be talking.

-An open mind is a wonderful learning tool.

-Slower traffic TO THE RIGHT.

-When you get out of your morning shower, don't lay back down on your bed to relax for a bit. You'll negotiate with yourself every five minutes on whether or not to get up... then you'll end up being late for work.

-Want to get in better shape? Diet & exercise.  THAT’S IT.  If those miracle weight loss pills actually made a difference, they wouldn't be selling them to you at 3am.

-Coincidences DO happen, so try not to over-analyze a situation.

-Just because you’re single on Valentine’s Day, doesn't mean you have to hate the holiday.

-The trash of pain, the dog shit of sorrow and the dirt of bitterness can sometimes become the compost from which the plant of creative inspiration grows.

-If you take yourself too seriously, everyone else will think of you as a joke.

-Keep a handful of napkins in your car.  Boogers happen to everyone.

-Ladies, don’t be weirded out if a guy has a Zombie Survival Plan. Most of us do.

-If the topic of conversation with a group of people is nowhere near sex, and someone brings up their latest sexual exploit  to brag... it most likely didn't happen.

-If you say something funny, leave it at that.  Pushing the joke will kill it and you’ll be worse off than when you started.

-If you absolutely have to sneeze with a lit cigarette in your mouth, make sure there’s no one standing in front of you.

-There is at least one exception to Einstein’s definition of “insanity”: the dollar feeder in a vending machine.

-Unless he initiates the conversation, never bug a man when he’s eating his lunch.

-You most likely aren't a good singer, so unless you get requests, quit singing all the time.

-Acting edgy or mysterious never works.  People see though it very easily.

-Going through the “I’m done being nice” phase after getting your heart broken is as common as getting your heart broken. You didn't have a paradigm shift or some profound revelation, it was a reaction.

-Keep your religion, or lack thereof, to yourself.  Contrary to what you might think, most people don't give a rat's ass what you believe in.

-When in doubt, overdress.

-No one is right all the time, and not everyone can be right at the same time.  Remember that when you're listening to someone else’s point of view… you might actually find that you’re wrong.

-Guys:  If you think she looks spectacular in that dress, grow a backbone and say so.

-Girls:  If you do receive a compliment, accept it with grace.  If you get defensive or disagree repeatedly, guys will take it as a sign of immaturity.

-People can easily tell if you're pandering for compliments. 

-Appreciate what and who you have, many are not as lucky as you.

-Your memory is better than you think.

-In the wake of an unwanted event, drastic change usually isn't the best course of action.

-Guys:  Don't be intimidated by a woman that is smarter or more successful than you are… that’s what is called “a catch”.

-Girls: Even if you’re just friends, let the guys take care of the check every once in a while, we like playing the gentleman role.

-Guys:  Offer to take care of the check.  If she says no, say it’s no trouble.  If she still wants to split or handle it herself, let her.

-If you joke and say "Is it considered multitasking when you do a line of coke and pee in the cup at the same time?” the drug test administrator will not laugh.

-If someone has reasons for not liking the same music as you, don't dismiss them… they might actually make a good point.

-Romantic movies do not reflect life.  This means:
- -The chubby comic relief will NEVER land the dream girl.
- -Your crush won’t suddenly realize they're in love with you just because you're there all the time.
- -Girls:  Don’t expect an Oscar-worthy speech when you're getting an apology.
- -Guys:  If you screw up big, she’s not going to fully forgive you right away.

-Have a dream to hang onto, when all else goes wrong... it can be the ray of hope you need to push on.

-Many people think they're clever by saying something like, “There’s THREE sides to every story: Person A’s version, Person B’s version, and the truth”.  Often times, Person A or B might actually be honest.

-Trying to impress others is pointless.  The act will eventually wear thin, and the people that haven’t already seen through it will definitely then.  Believe it or not, others will be more impressed if you don’t care about impressing anyone.

-Be as honest as you can.  It’s never a good thing to be branded as a liar, even if you want to seem “edgy”.

-If you drop an empty beer bottle on the ground, don’t stomp on it and yell, “MOZEL TOV!!!”.  Just pick it up.

-Girls:  If a guy asks you an up-front question, give an up-front answer.

-Guys:  If you ask an up-front question, be prepared for an answer you may not like.

-Acting tough and being tough are not the same thing, and 90% of your peers can tell the difference.

-Get in the habit of questioning everything. Once you do, you'd be surprised how many people out there are totally full of shit.

-Just because someone famous said something that sounds insightful, doesn’t mean that it is.

-The ONLY guarantee in life is that it will eventually end.  Everything else is up for grabs, so go for it.
(Though, just because you're able to go for it, doesn't mean you should.)
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